~ tough times

So yeah... I've been pretty quiet on here. I've been busy (fun stuff but not hectic), which is good, and I'm not depressed, which is also good. But thing have been tough, marriage-wise. Not like that's news to anyone who actually knows me. Things got really rough there at the first of the year and right about that time I had a serious paradigm shift and also started seeing a shrink who came highly recommended by a physician/bishop friend of ours. It's helped me to see a lot of things. Part of why I went to see him was because we were starting to wonder if I had some mild bipolar going on. Turns out I'm nowhere near being bipolar, I just have a raging case of low self-esteem. And every single one of those ups and downs was a reflection of what was going on with me and Jonathan.

Digging is hard.

I'm so hard-wired to be a pleaser, to be the "good little wife." Once I actually allowed myself to feel some things I'd been repressing... wow. I was SO ANGRY. I was literally furious for a solid month. I just let it run its course without doing anything drastic, and I feel better now. But I know there's still a lot more down there. The shrink extracts things from me that make me cry-- every time-- but daily life is pretty okay. The good thing is that I'm learning to establish some boundaries. Jonathan didn't like or understand that at first. I've never been able to say no to him, really. But I'm finally doing it, in a healthy way-- not pissy or vindictive or anything, just trying to stand my ground and be calm and peaceful. There's no turmoil, no brawls or anything. Just no soft place to land. But it's been like that for a long, long time. It's hard when a shrink says he's never seen a couple who is such complete opposites before. That's okay in a lot of ways... opposites attract, and we have filled in the gaps for each other in some ways. I think things are getting better. But there's a pretty deep emotional divide that he just wasn't sent to this earth with the tools to overcome. But he sure gets points for trying. And that's the thing... neither one of us is running away. We really like each other and we love our kids. He loves me. I'm trying so hard to love him. But as my best friend said recently... maybe I've been praying for the wrong things all these years. Maybe I just need to pray to have joy in my life. That really was powerful for me. Maybe I need to just let go of some things... some hopes. That's tough, because I don't know if I'm giving up on something everyone deserves, or if I'm just being practical and dealing with the cards I've been dealt and the (not well-researched) choice I made 16 years ago. Nothing's ever going to be perfect, and maybe I just need to rely on God and myself a little more. And enjoy the journey. I'm here to learn and hopefully grow in some good ways...  so I'll do the best I can to stay on this horse and enjoy the ride.