~ Mother's Day and more LOVE!

Ever since I was a little girl I always dreamed about growing up and one day being married to a wonderful man and having our own little family. I consider myself very blessed to have met and married that wonderful man... and after trying for six and a half LONG, heart-wrenching years to have children, we were finally blessed with children of our own. I know those years of trying have helped me through the hard times of sleep-deprivation and all the frustrations big and small of being a mom-- the toughest job in the world. It gave me a perspective that I'm grateful for. I wanted these sweet children SO very much then, and I still do, just as much. My entire heart belongs to Jonathan and to them. 

And so, on Mother's Day... while I'm counting my blessings, my heart is still tender for those who have longed to be mothers themselves and haven't been able to yet. I know that the blessings that are denied us in this life, in order for our own, custom-made test of faith and opportunity for growth, will be given to us in the eternities if we endure in faith now. 

CAUTION: deep thoughts ahead...

Sometimes I'm still not sure how I made it through those first years. After having to do in-vitro to get pregnant with the boys, we got pregnant with Kizi-- surprise!-- all on our own when the boys were only SIX MONTHS OLD. Yup. And of course with Jonathan being an ob/gyn, we often get the jokers who have to make a crack: "wait, I thought you were supposed to know how that stuff all works?" :)  But honestly, we went from zero to THREE miracle babies, so who am I to complain about that? Like my new favorite quote says: 

"having faith in God includes having faith in his timing." 

It's interesting to me-- now that I can stand back and look at it-- how Heavenly Father often intertwines our greatest blessings with our greatest challenges. We moved back to Oregon when Kizi was only three months old and the boys were 18 months and then Jonathan had to go back to Houston for a solid month to finish his residency. That is when I fell off the depression cliff. I had no help, no visiting teachers, no meals, all my friends had moved away from Oregon, and my mom was not in great health herself and was still working, so very little help from her as well. I still joke (but really believe) that I had PTSD from the unrelenting trauma of it. Thankfully we took lots of videos in those early years, because a lot of that I just don't remember. I went through a few rough years of depression and loneliness, sometimes tempered by antidepressants with varying degrees of effectiveness. And Jonathan -- the poor guy-- being on call 24/7 in his private ob/gyn practice here, was beyond busy as well. (side note: I can't even begin to get into what a hit our marriage took over those years. I feel like we just this past year in 2008 finally exorcised the demons in our marriage and are back to being ridiculously happy and in love.) We were fortunate that we could afford to-- and did-- end up hiring a part-time babysitter to help with the kids and household chores. I was completely overwhelmed, but having the help did HELP, because I could focus on just being there for my babies as much as possible while someone else helped do laundry and clean. I must have put on a brave face though, or maybe I just wasn't as good at wearing my heart on my sleeve back then, because when I did start "coming out" about my depression, most of my friends were surprised. I think I thought that if I tried hard enough to show that I had a great, perfect, happy life that it would equal happiness. It doesn't. We're not perfect, life is messy, and God, in his infinite wisdom and love, tests us and tries us in ways custom-fitted to our needs for growth. And sometimes we choose ways to find comfort that are good and uplifting, and sometimes we don't. Those patterns always circle back around to either lift us and carry us through the hard times, or bite us on the butt and drag us down even more. Having done some of both... I recommend finding the uplifting ways to find comfort! :)

Okay, okay-- so enough of the deep, dark, Debbie-downer stuff! I SURVIVED my greatest blessings, and now it's quite honestly, ridiculously easy. My darling husband works for Kaiser Permanente now and has lovely hours. My wonderful children are laid back and really fairly responsible. They get up on their own, get dressed, eat breakfast, brush their teeth, make their lunches (YES, I am the mean mom who teaches my kids how to make their own lunches!)... AND feed the dogs... all with little to no input from me. I simply glide out of bed and hang out with them for an hour or so in my jammies, brush Kizi's hair, make sure the boys are actually wearing clean underwear, say prayer with them, give them lots of loves and then wave to them as they walk out the door and climb on the bus and drive away. Oh... these sweet, sweet days do a good job of fading the trauma of the past...

So really... every day is Mother's Day! BUT, I do love the extra lovin' I get on Mother's Day. Here are some of the things I received... and yes, Jonathan has WAY too much fun picking out cards for me from him and from the kids. Some are super sweet and romantic, and others are just really, really funny. AND he has promised me a great massage (yup, I trained the man well, what can I say?!) on my heated massage table as well... sigh... !!!  :)

And really, it's pretty humbling to read what simple things are my children's favorite things about me... sometimes I'm not sure if I'm not doing enough, or if their wants really are this simple... They did these at church on Mother's Day:

Kizi's list: 

1. she cleans my clothes

2. she hugs me

3. she kisses me

4. she teaches me the truth (WOW...)

5. she smiles 

Calvin's list (above):

1. dinner (yes, the genius physics child needs to spend more time working on his spelling!)

2. kisses

3. hugs

4. lunch

5. horse rides (YES!!!)

And with Caleb's (our lefty)... I think I understand the old saying that "the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach"... apparently it's also true for little boys...

1. you make dinner

2. make lunch

3. sometimes breakfast

4. I love you very much

5. snuggle with me (snuggling is definitely one of his "love languages")

And then I also received this little post-script in a card from him:

In case it's hard to read, it says:

"Dear Mom, I love you very much. 

I love it when you make pancakes and eggs and sausage and tacos. 

Love forever, Caleb

I thought this pin was a very nice gesture! 

AND-- I had to take some photos of the lovely gifts in our yard from Mother Nature herself...

dogwoods and lilacs (above)

lilacs and crabapple blossoms (below)

OH they smell heavenly!!!!

And the rest of these are of us just goofing off and relaxing as we usually do on a Sunday. Our ward meets at 8:30 am, so we have the rest of the day to relax. We DON'T turn on the tv (although occasionally the kids will go watch a "Jesus movie" -- stories from the New Testament) in their room, and we try our best to KEEP the Sabbath day. We call family and those we visit teach or home teach, snuggle, read, and have a relaxed Family Home Evening lesson. Lately we've been doing the teaching portion on Sundays, followed by a game or activity on Monday nights. But we read scriptures almost every night as well-- and the kids really enjoy it and I get a LOT more out of it when I'm stopping to explain things to them, which then often turn into little mini-lessons on the side... OH, this is what Sunday should be all about, right??  :)

Kizi loves to take photos... so we let her sometimes. :) I love the crazy look on Jonathan's face!

Caleb snuggling with Gracie... and then Kizi joining in...

puppy loves!

and of course Bailey had to get in on the lovin' too!

this was us trying to look mad: "you're busted, missy!" while trying to not crack up...

And then, of course... Jonathan cooked a super delicious dinner for us and my mom. 

LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

~ all kids love horses...

My friend Andrea brought her West Salem Moms of Preschoolers group out to the barn for a field trip, and these are a few of the photos that my friend Jennifer took. It was HILARIOUS to see the kids' reactions and hear some of their questions and comments. I brought out our old man Roanie (age 27!) and he of course was very patient with the kids.

"Well hello, little people!"

The kids' reactions to seeing horse poop was AWESOME. They thought it was totally gross that horses just went wherever, whenever, and that they WALKED in their own poo! 

The kids wanted to see the whole herd, so we cautiously walked down the track to where the horses were grazing on a newly-opened-up pasture. The horses were pretty happy with the grass so I figured none of them would decide to investigate the herd of small humans...

The moms chose this location near the gate to the pasture to get a group photo...

and who leaves the herd and the compelling green grass to come investigate the tiny humans?? Of course, my girl Kaiyah! :)

There was a brief moment of tiny-human nervousness as they saw the approaching horse and ran to the safety of their moms... but Kaiyah was curious (but not pushy), calm, and close enough, so with the moms' guidance I let them slowly step to one side of her and pet her a bit-- leaving a clear path for her to leave if she got uncomfortable or needed to leave. It was very sweet. I'm hoping some of the other moms got some photos of it because I'd love to see them.

This is me showing the kids how to pick out a horse's hoof.

Thank you Jennifer for not including my butt in this shot! :)

Roanie whinnied a few times when we went into the arena, just feeling a little nervous about where his buddies were (he doesn't normally but a fairly traumatic departure of another horse had happened two days before), and it cracked me up when they asked if he was whinnying because he was excited to go for a ride! We doubled up for rides, which helped them feel a little more secure in the saddle, I think, and they got to ride for longer that way. I also gave three of the moms a ride with their kids on board. They were all SO happy and so in love with the horses. 

I grinned a lot that morning.

:)

~ a new addition to our family...

Soooooooo... I have been hesitant to say anything about this... but I got a new little pony mare on the last day of March. I'm not sure why I'm so hesitant to talk about it. I do have the obvious semi-guilt over being able to have horses at all, especially in this economy... and I have my generous, understanding husband to thank for that!  But beyond that...  for me, getting another horse is a BIG DEAL. We're a "keep 'em forever" kind of family, and so for me it's almost-- but not quite-- like having another kid. Okay okay, that might sound like a bit of an exaggeration for you non-horse-owning folks out there, but horse people, am I right or what? It's a big deal. And I want to do right by her. Right now I'm pretty much in the "oh crap, what was I thinking" phase, where I feel like a blithering idiot who can't do anything right. It's easy to get set in your ways with your horses that you've had for years. Having a new horse, especially a young one (she's just 5) is a huge adjustment. It keeps you on your toes and opens your eyes. I'm seeing more and more all the ways that I've been sloppy in my horsemanship and how Poco has been filling in for me. Apologies to those for whom this is Greek... But WOW. I'm learning a lot, and that's so humbling and often really frustrating... but just often enough it's SO satisfying. 

After much deliberation, we came up with "Kaiyah" for her name (it rhymes with "eye"). She came with the name Nicki but we didn't think it really fit her, and our good friend Nicki and her mom Denise come up every week or so to tutor me in horsemanship and we thought that might get really confusing. As I mentioned, she's just 5... and SO SWEET. She's not pushy at all, but will often just lift her head and lay it ever so softly on your shoulder and just almost give you a hug... it's really cute. She especially seems to do that when she is needing a little reassurance. Bless her heart, she's just a little thing, only 14.1 hands (that's kind of like between a horse and pony, height-wise) and very petite... and definitely bottom of the pecking order. But we put her in with just my boys Poco and Roanie when we first brought her home to Jen's barn, and now that they're all out in the big herd together they sort of look after her. The three of them definitely hang out, and Poco will often send other horses away so that they don't chase Kaiyah off. Awwww... 

 

Poco (the bay on the left) and Roanie (the old man --27!!) meeting Kaiyah for the first time.

The idea is to put some quality time and work in on her, and in a couple of years she'll be Kizi's horse. If she's going to be packing my baby girl around (and the boys too of course), I've got to get it RIGHT. Especially build in the feel and the trust that are so essential... Right now that prospect seems daunting, but I know we'll get there. I bought her from my friend Laura, who bought her from a trainer who works for a couple... I don't know the whole story, I think there was a divorce or something... but they go around and buy up cute hunter-jumper ponies to train and then sell on the east coast for BIG money. We're not sure what her breeding is (we're almost thinking maybe Connemara?), but I can see why they were attracted to Kaiyah. She's conformationally very correct and put together nicely, and she's got a nice mind and attitude-- AND it's almost impossible to find good ponies! And, as I am reminded almost daily by the ladies at the barn, she's SO stinking CUTE!!!

The story I heard was that she was started by a couple of teenage girls. I get the picture that they pretty much threw the saddle on and started hauling butt over jumps. She'll do whatever you ask her to do... but with her head up and her body tight--very scared. We're working on getting her *r e l a x e d* and moving off calmly instead of darting away. She's just very unsure. And her first inclination (it's getting so much better already) was to RUN. Now she's getting to where she can walk off on a loose rein, or move off at a walk when I send her away in the round pen when we're doing groundwork. (again, apologies for the Greek) When I first rode her at Laura's I noticed that she just wanted to go really fast-- not running away, but thinking that the answer was to just go FAST. There wasn't much feel there... especially not at the lope-- she went so fast my eyes literally started to water. But she's so comfortable to ride that it wasn't like I was ever nervous going that fast on her. I did realize when I got her to Jen's barn, though, that maybe loping her in the outdoor dressage arena (which is bordered by a short, white vinyl fence) was not such a good idea-- there's not much connection to her feet yet, and the girl was facing up on the fence like she was gonna jump it. We really don't have any business loping her right now anyway. Gotta get things going well in the groundwork, at the walk, and at the trot before we go on to the canter. Denise and Nicki have been WONDERFUL. They mentor me and remind me EVERY time just how important the "little" things are, and just how big they really are. FEEL. I learn so much from them every time they come up. 

(Nicki on the left and Denise on the right with the flag)

And THIS is my barn buddy, Gracie. She LOVES to go to the barn! She knows when I'm going, even when I haven't said a thing or reached for my boots...

:)